I am far from eloquent when it comes to writing. So why a blog you might ask? Honestly I’m not entirely sure of that myself yet. Being in treatment with other girls that used blogs as an outlet and a way to share their stories inspired me to give it a go.
For the most part this is going to be a blog I will use to document my triumphs and tribulations as I navigate the murky, shame filled waters of eating disorder recovery and just the difficulties of life in general. I just finished up four months in treatment starting in residential and transitioning down through the other levels of care before my beloved treatment facility closed its doors forever at the end of October. The recommendation from my treatment team was to continue care at a new facility that was opening around the same time the other was closing, against these recommendations I am choosing to give outpatient a chance. Which means seeing a therapist and a dietician weekly and a psychiatrist as needed. I currently have the outpatient therapist but the dietician and the psychiatrist are proving more difficult to convince myself I need right now. Especially the dietician…
Let’s take a look back at how I wound up here. At the beginning of my recovery journey I was an unwilling participant. An intervention landed me in residential treatment where I was told I was a miracle, lucky to be alive at all. But I didn’t feel lucky, not even for a second. Losing my eating disorder meant losing any control I had over my life and I would have rather died than lose that. Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back I realize I had no control, in reality I was being controlled in all aspects of my life by my disease. It was taking a piece of my authentic self with it every day and I was allowing that to happen.
I’m embarrassed to recall the girl I was coming in to treatment. Erratic, angry, selfish, starved, weak, exhausted, terrified. The list could go on and on forever but I will spare you. I’m proud to say that most days I am not that girl. She rears her ugly head from time to time when my therapist challenges me to really dig in to the darkest parts of my past or I come face to face with a fear food when I least expect it. Most days though I am the girl who tries to spread light to others in the midst of their own struggles because she knows what it’s like to be lost in the darkness alone. But fear not friends, you are not alone because I am with you.