That’s how my recovery has been thus far. Day to day. Minute to minute. Second to second at times. Things can go from amazing to awful in the blink of an eye and if you don’t have a lot of accountability, recovery can turn into a full blown relapse without anyone realizing what’s happening.
So today was an okay day. I ate. I felt guilty but I pushed through it and did what I could do. I by no means met all my meal plan requirements but I ate. For where I am right now I’m calling that a win. Tomorrow could be a totally different story considering I will be at work most of the day.
Light bulb moment: There has never been a time in my working life that I wasn’t struggling with my eating disorder. Every job I’ve ever had has been a tool to mask my weakness as I grew sicker. I would work more hours to avoid meals at home and push myself to perform my best so if my physical health came in to question, my co workers and managers could look at my stellar performance and look passsed my health.
I don’t think that I can do that this time with my mom watching me like a hawk and my job being pretty physically demanding. The more I restrict the weaker I become and the less likely I will be able to continue doing the job I love so much already. Yet another reason to choose recovery!
It just feels harder and harder to choose it these days. Almost like I am in a constant “triggered” state, like I feel “triggered” all the time. More often than not I have no idea what has triggered me and how to shake the feeling of needing to engage in eating disorder behaviors. I keep reminding myself of the health complications that come with having an eating disorder but then I get stuck on the whole “well none of those things ever actually happened to me when I was sick sooooo…” and I convince myself that people just put that stuff on the internet to scare me. Completely irrational I know. Obviously I’m not thinking very clearly these days.
Like I said day to day…